Zuckerberg Warns Facebook Users to Stop Ranting About Finals

By: Trevor Maxim

PALO ALTO, CA – Mark Zuckerberg, the CEO and President of Facebook, has stated publicly this week that he is “extremely pissed off” about the amount of Facebook posts and status updates relating to college students’ distress over final exams.

“It’s gotten so bad that the site has almost crashed on multiple occasions,” Zuckerberg said. “People sometimes tell me, ‘Mark, you must hate finals too — you dropped out of Harvard.’ And my response to that is, ‘Yeah, I dropped out to start a multi-billion dollar company. You guys are just lazy.’”

Aside from the keyword “finals”, Zuckerberg said he has also noticed absurdly high levels of use for the words “library”, “essay”, and “fml”. He hinted at the fact that he might even discontinue Facebook services for users aged 18-24 simply so that the country’s higher education system does not collapse altogether.

“If you all are really stressed about your academic workload, I have a suggestion for you,” Zuckerberg said as his patience was clearly wearing thin. “Ever consider closing your web browser and actually doing the work that is such a burden on your life? Sometimes I feel personally guilty for creating a drain effect on the nation’s intelligence.”

Zuckerberg added that college students who still insist on posting online about finals should consider other social networking platforms instead, such as Myspace or Twitter.

“America is just lucky that the Winklevoss twins aren’t in charge of Facebook,” said Zuckerberg. “They would have pulled the plug a long time ago.”

 

December 13, 2011